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A new online student of DreyerCoaching.com, living in China, recently wrote this about her summer program last year. Her teacher and I are impressed that she is so ambitious and wrote so much. Note how she uses some high-level vocabulary and pushes herself to describe her visit with much detail.
Writing This is what her teacher on the DreyerCoaching.com Teacher Team, Mr. Woodson thought about her writing and overall approach: This girl’s really a hard worker. After Tuesday’s lesson, she wrote this long account of her time at the University of Maryland last summer. Before starting to help her with revision, I reviewed the definition of a sentence “a group of words containing a subject and a verb which expresses a complete thought”, and made sure she understood all aspects of this definition. Then I illustrated what a sentence fragment and a run-on sentence are. I wrote the 3 articles – a, an, the – and explained that they are not easy for non-native speakers to use correctly, so she shouldn’t get discouraged if she has problems with them. I also reminded her that when she’s writing about a past experience, most of her verbs should be in the past tense. At the end of our lesson, I pointed out that her 1st paragraph was actually a run-on sentence. As you can see, she tried to use several sophisticated words, like excursion, subsequently, perception, exquisite. Clearly, there are many comprehension errors, as well as grammar; word use problems. She told me she’d work on revising her paper prior to our next lesson on Monday, taking into consideration what I’d pointed out in today’s lesson. I told her to read her revision carefully to see if it made sense to her. She told me she hadn’t written the paper in Chinese first – just wrote it in English from what was in her head. Hopefully her revision will be more comprehensible. It might be beneficial for her to first write the essay in Chinese and then translate it into English. What do you think? If I had the Chinese to compare it with, I might be better able to understand what she intended to say in the parts where her meaning is unclear. Here is her first draft, with no help from the teacher. My school trip Last summer, I attended the school excursion, we invited the school of University of Maryland,College Park. July 17, we leave the busy New York our guide Steven and ride the bus to walking on the road of the day, the impression of New York hurried into the trunk, open new WashingtonD.C and the pattern of life. Morning via Philadelphia, visit the Independence Palace and the liberty bell, ink in the afternoon came, the smooth arrival of Washington D.C.University of Maryland to drop out of the camp, at the University of Maryland Center leadership and staff enthusiasm reception. When into the campus of the University of Maryland, such as exposure to the quiet, natural park, nature of the fresh feeling blow on the face , and feel the city bustling and prosperous. School facilities advanced, beautiful scenery, lawns and trees surrounded by various colleges, is a beautiful scenery of the University city. Each college buildings of brick wood structure, teaching building is red the entire campus seamless. The morning of July 18th, held a simple but solemn opening ceremony. Subsequently, Dr. Pan Yali led the students to visit the campus of the student activities center, fitness center, library, etc., to helprq everyone familiar with the campus map, facilities, etc.
Early in the morning, opened the window, refreshing breeze blow on the face everywhere is full of endless green, Zhoushen was golden wrapped in the warm sunshine. Two cute little squirrel bounced up and down on the green lawn, to calm morning Martha campus add vitality. On July 20–22, we spent three days full of joy of learning time in the beautiful University of Maryland training camp. Period, Martha international office deputy director Joe Scholten, Pan Yali, Dr. Randall Phyall as we opened the University of Maryland and internationalization of Martha lectures. Martha Louise and Mary foreign teachers in four special offers English Language Intensive Courses for us. The whole classroom teaching English. Foreign teachers to guide the children to participate in a wide range of activities in the perception of experience. A fluent English let classmates he school classmates envy unceasingly, questioning the wisdom of let the teacher repeatedly praise ‘good question, great’! The students’ oral expression level has been greatly improved in the whole English context. Every afternoon after school, running in the fitness center, Martha, playing badminton, basketball match again. In the student activity center bowling, billiards, and a Martha produced icecream. On the lawn, and foreign students will play football again, Or in the campus farm hug cow, kiss the lovely lamb… An endless enjoyment! In a burst of applause, our graduation ceremony began. Martha International Office Director Ann gave the commencement speech, and in turn for the students to graduate diplomas. The students also give our foreign teachers and three teaching assistants as a gift of exquisite Chinese gifts. Do not give into a hug, thousands of words into a goodbye. Today’s farewell is to better chase the distance of the sky. In Martha, we harvest joy, friendship, knowledge, self-reliance, self-confidence, but in the hearts of sowing the seeds of civilization.
Here is the student’s final draft, with editing and help from her DreyerCoaching.com teacher, Mr. Dennis Woodson. Notice some specific ways where her teacher helped her write better: – paragraph breaks
My School Trip Last summer, I participated in overseas study with three of my teachers and thirty of my classmates. We were invited by the University of Maryland at College Park.
We flew from Hong Kong to New York City and stayed there four days. On the afternoon of July 17, we left busy New York and our guide Steven, and arrived safely at the University of Maryland after a good trip. The University of Maryland Center leadership staff received us enthusiastically. When we got into the university campus, we were exposed to the quiet, natural parks and the fresh feeling of wind blowing on our faces. The school facilities were very modern, the scenery was beautiful, and the various colleges were surrounded by lawns and trees. On the morning of July 18th, we had a simple, but formal, opening ceremony. Afterwards, Dr. Pan Yali led us to visit different parts of the campus, such as the student activities center, the fitness center, the library, etc. Early that morning, when I opened the window, a refreshing breeze blew on my face. Everywhere was full of endless green. Two cute little squirrels bounced up and down on the green lawn, making the school more vibrant. From July 20-22, we spent three days learning in a camp at this beautiful university. Three foreign teachers – Martha, Louise, and Mary – conducted intensive English Language Courses for us, and these helped us greatly improve many aspects of our English. Every afternoon after school, we ran in the fitness center, played badminton, and had basketball games. In the student activity center, we bowled, played billiards, and made ice cream. On the lawn, we played soccer with foreign students. At the campus farm, we hugged a cow and kissed the lovely lamb. We had endless enjoyment! At the end of our time at the University of Maryland, our graduation ceremony began with a burst of applause. Ann, the Martha International Office director, gave the commencement speech and handed out diplomas to each of the students. The students also gave our foreign teachers and the three teaching assistants some exquisite Chinese gifts. We said goodbye to each other. In Maryland, we gained knowledge, self-reliance, and self-confidence, and experienced joy and friendship. ******************** Overall, this young lady did a GREAT writing her paper, and using her teacher’s comments to produce a smooth, easily-understandable essay! Do you or someone you know need help with English writing? We can help you! |
