| In one of my advanced-level writing classes I asked a student for a brief report on some surprising aspect from the 2016 US elections. Below you can find his first draft then the revised version we discussed and edited in class. (This is how we teach writing online with DreyerCoaching.com: we give the students a topic, they write at home, in the next class the student reads it aloud, we see the essay via “share screen,” then the teacher and classmates give suggestions, which the student edits in real-time.) A few of my thoughts: 1. “There were dramas” as a plural sounds like lots of plays on the stage, so we changed it to singular: “there was drama.” 2. I like the use of the colon (:) after “everywhere.” He used “celebrating” and “protesting” in the present tense, because these are still going on as he wrote. 3. Good use of two commas with “Trump, the president-elect,” because that is an appositive phrase, renaming “Trump.” 4. We say, “on the East and West Coasts,” capitalized as geographic place names. 5. Good play on words: “Trump trumped Clinton in the Electoral College.” 6. “favour”–British spelling 7. Overall, this student hit on several key points in a short paragraph: the surprise nature of Trump’s victory; Trump’s win of the Electoral College while Clinton won the popular vote; the unexpected role of minority and women voters, the shocks of the Northeast and West Coasts. I was impressed that the writer understands the US election this well–from a distance of 8,000 miles away in Taiwan, as a high school student! (Find out more about the unusual Electoral College here.) _____________________________ Before As the 2016 presidential election in the US came to an end, there were dramas occurring everywhere: some people are celebrating, while other people are protesting and crying. Is Donald Trump, the president-elect, going to run the government smoothly and his administration effectively? We’ll see. However, Donald Trump winning the polls is definitely a surprise to most people, especially those who were living in the east and west coast (California especially). There are a few surprising facts that would make you ponder about the nature of democracy and the phenomenon seen in this election. First, Donald Trump won the Electoral votes 279 to 228. However, Trump lost the popular vote by two hundred thousand votes. Also, Trump won much more minority and women votes than expected. In comparison, Clinton did not win enough minority vote to convert some of the states into her favour. All in all, 2016 is a year full of surprises, upsets, and joy. Whether Donald Trump is going to be a reputable president we know not. However, we should adjust our mindset and unite to and create a better future. –Tim in Hsinchu, Taiwan After As the 2016 presidential election in the US came to an end, there was drama occurring everywhere: some people are celebrating, while others are protesting and crying. Is Donald Trump, the president-elect, going to run the government smoothly and his administration effectively? We will see. However, Donald Trump winning the polls was definitely a surprise to most people, especially those living on the East and West Coasts (California especially). There are a few shocking facts that make you ponder about the nature of democracy and the phenomenon seen in this election. First, Trump trumped Clinton in the Electoral College 279 to 228. However, he lost the popular vote by two hundred thousand votes. Also, Trump won much more minority and women support than expected. In comparison, Clinton did not win enough minority votes to convert some of the states to her favour. All in all, 2016 is a year full of surprises, upsets, and joy. Whether Donald Trump is going to be a reputable president, we know not. However, we should adjust our mindset and unite together and create a better future. –Tim in Hsinchu, Taiwan *********************** Do you want to improve YOUR English writing? Join one of our online writing classes–available anywhere in the world! Contact Scott today to find out more! Since 2010, based in the friendly USA State of Virginia, DreyerCoaching.com has been providing customized, high-quality, real-time language instruction via the internet to a global audience in their home, school, or office. Think how comfortable, confident and successful you or your child will feel, receiving personalized guidance from college-educated teachers who are native speakers and have bachelor’s, master’s, and doctoral degrees plus decades of teaching experience. Whether you are looking for help with the ABCs or the SATs, or college admissions to conversational English to business writing, we serve all ages and levels to help our students make dreams come true. Discover the Dreyer Difference. Take the first step and visit DreyerCoaching.com, send Scott an email, or schedule a free consultation to get started. 自 2010 年以来，DreyerCoaching.com 总部位于友好的美国弗吉尼亚州，一直通过互联网向全球观众在家中、学校或办公室提供有制度的、高质量的实时语言教学。 想想您或您的孩子会感到多么自在、自信和成功，从受过大学教育的教师那里获得个别的指导，这些教师都是以英语为母语，拥有学士、硕士和博士学位，以及数十年的教学经验的教师。 无论是从 英语ABC的基础课程 或 SAT 的帮助，就读美国高中，大学入学申请，还是从会话英语到商务写作，我们都为所有年龄和水平的学生提供服务，帮助我们的学生实现梦想。 发觉 Dreyer 的不同之处。 迈出第一步，游览 DreyerCoaching.com网站，向 Scott 发送电子邮件，可开始安排一个免费咨询。 |
Before & After: Student Writing– “2016 Election Surprises”
